Books
Strongly Recommended Reading
For some books I have added personal notes
How To Win Friends & Influence People
Dale Carnegie
One of the original self-help books, and one of the best selling books of all time. It focuses on building effective social & business communication skills.
Notes:
Fundamental Techniques
[a] Don't criticise, condemn or complain (this results in a very human reaction of defensiveness & annoyance). [b] Give Honest & sincere appreciation (Humans desire flattery & appreciation, applied truthfully & honestly gives it credence & power). [c] Arise in others an eager want (Look from another’s perspective to find the overlap in goals, upon that line you will find true cooperation).
Making People Like You
[a] Take the time to discover the complexities of others (Once you have a genuine interest in others, others will become more interested in you). [b] Smile (Once you find you can take pleasure in greeting with others your outlook will be infectious). [c] Work to remember names (The show of importance you have taken in doing so will greatly endear others to you). [d] Be an active listener, encourage others to tell you about themselves (Truly listening to another is one of the highest compliments that can be paid). [e] Talk in terms of another’s interest (If you know what another treasures most, then you know what topics they will be most responsive to). [f] Always be polite (Make sure others feel important & respected, be sincere, it will show).
Win People To Your Way of Thinking
[a] You cannot win an argument, avoid them (Only cooperation or understanding is a win, to humiliate or beat others in no victory at all. Distrust your first impressions, find areas of agreement, and take time to study the other’s ideas). [b] Show respect for the opinions of others (No one takes the dismissal of their opinions well, and there can be no constructive conversation without respect). [c] Have the courage to be the first to admit one’s errors, quickly & emphatically. [d] Begin in a friendly way (The starting mood of a conversation defines the path it takes). [e] Start by getting a yes (Find places of agreement & display understanding to begin the conversation of sound footing). [f] Let the other person do the most talking (Ideas spread once someone convinces themselves, not when an idea is forced upon them, let someone else break down their understanding for you). [g] Let the other person feel the idea is theirs (As above, give someone the space to come to the final conclusion by their own logic). [h] Try honestly to look from another’s view (Without honest interest & understanding, or at least the attempt, you will be unable to frame an idea that fits within their perspective). [i] Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas & point of view (Human’s hunger for sympathy, if you can sympathise your can then design & frame your words to provide sincere help). [j] Appeal to Nobler Motives (An idea that appeals to one’s pride in one action’s is more agreeable). [k] Dramatize your ideas (An idea presented with charisma & energy will be heard). [l]Throw down a challenge (People relish the idea of a chance to prove themselves, construct an opportunity to show capability).
Be a Leader
[a] Begin with praise & honest appreciation (A leader that gives sincere, real praise is one that is listening and worth of reciprocal respect). [b] Call attention to other’s mistakes indirectly (Indirectly presenting a mistake can avoid the defensive response of a humiliating accusation). [c] Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person (Taking your share of responsibility will make others more likely to shoulder theirs). [d] Ask questions instead of giving orders (Learn the other’s insights and allow them to take part ownership in the next course of action). [e] Let others save face (Do not chastise & humiliate in front of others, the human shame response is painful and unproductive). [f] Praise every improvement (Reward growth, praise is coveted by everyone). [g] Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to (People will live up to, or down to what is expected of them). [h] Use encouragement, make faults seem easy to correct (Step an action into parts so progress is visibly within reach). [i] Make the other person happy about doing what you suggest (Frame the action so that the other person will gain meaningfully also, make sure there interests are felt to be important).
7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Steven R. Covey
Another classic of self-development
Notes:
Be Proactive
Choice lies between stimulus & response. Our behaviours is a function of our decisions, not our conditions. Do not blame outside cause for our behaviour. The correct response to mistakes is acknowledgement & learning.
Begin with the end in mind
It is possible to be busy without being effective. Are lives become very different once we know what is deeply important. Leadership is the first creation, not management. Choice of action is most clear & effective when centred upon principles.
Put first things first
Strength lies in doing what must be done regardless of motivation (discipline). Manage week of actions, not time. Prioritise.
Think Win-Win
The third alternative, not my or your way, but the better way. Develop an abundance mentality. Define end goals by first understanding win conditions for others.
Seek first to understand, then to be understood
Practice emphatic listening, Sell solutions not products. Build an emotional bank account.
Synergize
The world is greater than the sum of it’s parts. Collaborate. Up difficulty, reduce competition. Perfect your strengths, compensate for your weaknesses.
Sharpen the Saw
Care for the four elements, Physical, Social, Mental, Spiritual. Practice daily private victories. Sharpen skills weekly.
The Charisma Myth
Olivia Fox Cabane
The book argues that Charisma is a skill & reflection of mood, rather than a trait of personality.
Notes:
Charisma as Skill
A powerful indicator of business success. Heavily linked to body language. Not ‘always on’. Charismatic people are seen as powerful, strong presence and as having strong interest in people (warmth). Warmth comes from goodwill, caring. Underlined by presence (not attractiveness). Increased by exercise. What your mind believes, your body manifests. Four types of charisma; [1] Focus Charisma: (Presence), communicating a respect for other’s opinions. [2] Visionary Charisma: (Belief) inspires other’s with your conviction, radiates acceptance, not criticism. [3] Authority Charisma: (Status) suggests power, importance. dis-invites feedback. [4] Kindness Charisma: (Warmth) Suggests acceptance, promotes emotional bond. People most strongly remember first & last. Envy prevention; JAIR, Justify, Appreciate other’s actions, define their Impact, give other’s Responsibility.
Charisma in communication
Lower intonation at sentence end. Reduced nodding. Pauses. Not distracted (strongly visible in body language). Increase concentration on those talking. Mental state reflected by body (anxiety, dissatisfaction, self-doubt, internal negativity). Facial expressions are universal First impressions can define whole relationship. Strong handshake imparts large impression, very important. Good handshake: stand straight, no hands in pockets, strong eye contact, straight head, shake from elbow, extend to display warmth. When leaving a conversion, offer value (Information, connection, recognition), people remember feelings more than words. Good listening: Never interrupt, pause before reply, let facial expression respond, then follow with words. Charismatic speaking: Highlight the good, fully absorb and appreciate compliments, don’t try to impress, let others impress you, be graphic in explanations, trigger good emotions after listening (entertainment, information, laughter) Vocal intonation: Lower baritone is more impactful, modulate volume to empower certain words, slow tempo, frequent pauses. Smiling adds warmth to words, even over the phone. Sitting next to someone reduces confrontational emotions more than face to face. Intense eye contact can produce a powerful impact. Posture highlights many internal emotions. Turn on Confident body language: breath calmly, stand up, shake body, take a wide stance, stretch arms to ceiling, stretch arms to side, bring arms to side, roll shoulder, inflate (take up space). Fidgeting, nodding and excess movement communicate, ‘low-status’. Avoid anger. Structure bad news, depersonalise (behaviour > person), be specific, empathise. Fight defensiveness of others by bringing up past positives, impart goodwill. Apologies; first forgive yourself, listen to all the other has to say, do not interrupt, use I’m sorry above sorry, show understanding of action’s effects. Never multitask on phone calls. Counteract shame in others, empathise, share, show appreciation. When in the spotlight; Accept, show vulnerability, show emotions, mention any nervousness.
Charisma Mentality
Dissatisfaction caused by comparison Self-criticism causes internal threat response, reducing brain power. Gratitude helps feeling of contentment, which aids charisma. A feeling of general goodwill to others is visible through body language. Compassion comes from goodwill plus empathy. Empathy => Sympathy => Compassion Self-confidence: Belief in ability. Self-esteem: How much we value ourselves as a person. Self-compassion: How much warmth we have for ourselves. It is healthier to focus on self-compassion, than self-esteem, this allows you to still care for yourself even when you do wrong, thus helping you resolve mistakes & inaction. When down, self-compassion is an important mental activity to help heal. Your body language can change your mood, smiling, excited movement, a powerful stance, all feed back to your mind as you feed back to your body. Logic makes you think, emotion makes you act. Emotions are contagious. Mirroring body language can grow connection.
Charisma Practices
[1] Responsibility Transfer Eyes closed, comfortable, relaxed. 3 deep breaths, exhale strongly, imaging breath carrying out worries. Imagine spiritual consciousness carrying away your burdens. Imagine troubles lifted from you, ‘you no longer control the outcome’, let go of belief of control. [2] De-stigmatise discomfort Reiterate it’s natural banality, it’s an everyday occurrence. Understand no ‘right way’ of feeling, examine feelings as information about you, emotions are an evolutionary by-product. Decry shame, the most mentally destructive response. Remind self, it’s a burden shared by many. [3] Metta - Self Compassion Exercise Eyes closed, comfortable, relaxed. Focus on a memory of a good/courageous/truthful moment. Think of any being with a great affection for you. Picture them radiating warmth/kindness/compassion, see it expressed in face & body. See yourself through their eyes, feel their forgiveness, and acceptance for what you are at this very moment. -“A moment of self-compassion can change a day, a string of moments can change a life”- [4] Neutralise Negativity Another’s coldness, is likely their discomfort, not you. Negative thoughts assume we are rationally grasping reality of situation. Remember, concentration is always filtered, never have whole picture. Move thoughts to imaginary ‘writing on wall’ so they can be examined. Label thoughts, what is such a thoughts psychological cause. Depersonalise yourself as a human case-study. Look down from space, minimise issues importance. Imagine brain chatter as radio noise, you can adjust the volume. Remember past feelings, remember they passed. [5] Rewrite Reality - Cognitive reappraisal Analyse anxiety, find good, even if unrealistic. Note down alternative perspective. For personal aggrievement, write an exchange of feeling filled letters, do not send. Will this matter in a month. Change your environment, play calm music. [6] Delve in to discomfort Practice uncomfortable situations to inoculate, with friend partner. Hold eye contact for longer that socially acceptable. Become aware of discomfort, notice & name sensations. Delve into each sensation, explore it. Build awkwardness, feel for physical manifestation. Resist urge to relive discomfort, tension. With Others: Extend eye contact, gently break personal space, enter elevator last facing others, strike up a conversation with a stranger. [7] Success Visualisation Close eyes, remember past triumphant experience. Listen to the sounds, feel the smiles & admiration. Feel feet on ground and other physical sensations. Feel the rising warm glow. Visualise before important events [8] Build Gratitude Write down 3 things gracious for. Find three pleasant sights, meaningful items near your. Describe life in positive terms from 3rd person. [9] Generate Goodwill Remember people are fundamentally good. Respect people as they are. Give love freely. Imagine another’s past, then their present.
A History of Britain and the British People
Arthur Bryant
A immersive and powerful history full of strange and dangerous moments, written with a engrossing flair for the dramatic.